Tag Archives: angst

Late Night Musings #2

#‎latenightmusings‬

I was never taught to love myself. All the different parts of me that make me unique. I was never taught to be unapologetically flawed. Many days I’m not sure how I’ve made it this far… the self-hate was debilitating. Everyday I painted a smile on my face and got up to face another day. When all the while I was dying inside. Death was eating away at every part of me. I lived in fear constantly. Sleeping with knives under my pillow. Thinking tonight would be the night it all ended. Startled out of my sleep by the sound of shouting. I remember feeling as if my heart would beat out of my chest. I remember thinking someone may die tonight. I remember thinking why is it always me? Why am I the one putting myself in danger to make sure nothing permanent happens?

Why doesn’t anyone see the lies behind my smile? The violence just under the surface? Locking myself in my room didn’t help to quite the voices. Locking myself in my room didn’t make what was going on go away. When most people think of abuse they think of the physical but no one recognizes that sometimes the emotional abuse is a pill much harder to swallow. For years I hated my existence. I didn’t understand why my family life wasn’t perfect. I didn’t understand why it seemed like the walls were closing in on me. I grew up before I should have. Surprised a lot of the pain. The shame. The misery. The hate I have is still strong… it’s still pure. What happens when you don’t feel safe at home… the one place you should above all others? What happens when grown men try to force themselves on you and you feel you have nowhere but to turn? I was never taught to love myself so I went searching for it in all the wrong places. It’s hard to dispel the cycle. It’s hard to remove yourself from the continuous loop. It’s hard to break the silence. I should have left.

I stared death in the face a time or two and I’m surprised I’m still here. I was threatened in high school. Told I would be tossed out a two-story window… in the place I was supposed to feel safe. Loved. Protected. Instead I felt fear. Hopelessness. Rage. Why would you let your child endure such hardships? Why would you stay? Most importantly why the hell did I?

Release Day Blitz + Review – Complicate Me by M. Robinson

Release Day Blitz
Complicate Me
Best Selling Author M. ROBINSON
Cover Design: Rebecca Marie at The Final Wrap
It was complicated, it was
also just the beginning.
A decision.
A simple choice.
There is always that one
moment in life where things could have been different. That one moment where
you could have chosen a path that would lead you down a certain road.
A different life.
It was easier to pretend that
we were still best friends, and that she was my girl and I was her boy.
Pretending was better than
knowing the truth…
I. Ruined. Us.
I had her.
I lost her.
I love her.
All I did was complicate us.
Buy Links
4stars

I didn’t know what to expect going in to read Complicate Me. I’ve enjoyed every other book from Mrs. Robinson so I went into this one with an open mind although I hate contemporary romance with a passion. With that being said the dynamic between Alex and Lucas kept you on your toes waiting with fear on where their lives will lead them. I can say I was angry with most of their family and friends for more than half of the book. I think they had a lot to do with some of the hurt and pain Alex and Lucas went through. The prologue was very, very good and sucked you in right off the bat. The rest was a bumpy ride and at times I wasn’t sure what the outcome would be. You found yourself saying, “how many ups and downs can one couple go through before it’s no longer worth it?”

We see Alex, Lucas, and the boys grow up from children to adults. We see them grow apart and find their way back to each other. You feel what they feel and you just want to take them all aside and tell them to live life for themselves and not to worry about what anyone else thinks or feels. I could easily see this book and this series playing on the big screen as part of a series starting from the beginning. Although it’s a very different genre from what we’re used to seeing from M, it’s still very much her signature style. Complicate Me did just that. It was messy, complicated, and at times painful to bear but in the end I believe they came out stronger and the bond they share held up through the test of time.

My brown eyed girl sat on our blankets with her arms wrapped around her knees, hiding her face. The tiny frame that I adored so much shook uncontrollably, only heightening the deepest sobbing that escalated with each passing second. It was such an intimate moment, not to be shared with anyone, especially me. Alex didn’t cry. I watched her bawl for the first time in my life. I had never seen anyone cry like that before, and it shook me to my core, slicing me whole, and making me feel like I
was dying. Carving a memory that I would take to my grave. There was no going back…
No erasing.
No do overs.
No deleting.
What I witnessed tonight would be my purgatory; I would now close my eyes and forever see her falling apart in front of me. Shattering before my very own eyes and I found it hard to breathe.
Hard to move.
My feet were glued to the goddamn floor as she continued to weep, sob, bawl, violently sucking in air that wasn’t available. I accepted it all; each tear that fell from her face becoming pieces of me. Circulating through my veins and blood, it flowed
endlessly, a river of her sadness and sorrow and of my broken promises. No
beginning or ending to her cries, just an infinite current, flooding the hole
where my heart should be. The shadow of her trembling petite body reflected off
the walls, leaving a trail of regrets in its wake.
Mine.
Hers.
Ours.
Growing up in a small town you overheard a lot of things. People talking, stories told, town gossip. You listened a lot. You learned a lot. Tourists, townies, friends, and especially family all shared wisdom and advice that you think you will never need.
Bunch of bullshit. They say you have that one moment in life where
things could have been different, that one moment that changes the course of
your life or the direction you could have taken. That one moment that could
forever change you and everything you wanted to be true, everything you wanted
to believe.
One simple decision could alter your entire future.
My entire world.
I would forever remember this moment for the rest of my life. This is the moment that changed everything. This is the moment where I took another direction, another road that led me to my own demise. My own regrets. I should have walked in
there. I should have apologized. I should have begged for her forgiveness. I
should have promised that I would never hurt her again. I should have done
whatever it took to make her look at me the way she had our entire lives.
But I didn’t…
I did none of those things…
Not one.
Nothing was said between us.
No words.
No actions.
I was a coward and couldn’t do it. I couldn’t see her like that. I couldn’t look into her eyes and know that I had hurt her. That I had disappointed her. That I ruined her love and lost her respect for me. The boy who promised he would never hurt her.
The boy who swore he would always protect her.
The boy who vowed he would never let anything happen to her.
That same boy was me.
I was the reason she was bawling.
I was the reason she was hurt.
I was the reason she was broken.
She knew the truth. It had finally caught up to me… I shattered her illusion that I was hers. I ruined the one good thing I had in my life. The girl that owned my heart was bleeding out for me in a way that I had never seen before. The house was no longer our safe place.
I had brought my hurricane with me…
I couldn’t risk the possibility of losing her permanently if I walked in there and admitted my truths. She wouldn’t love me anymore, she wouldn’t look at me the same anymore, and she wouldn’t be mine anymore.
My brown eyed girl.
The girl that I had loved all of my life.
The same girl that I would
love for the rest of my life.
Alexandra.
I gave her the only comfort I could in her moment of despair. I turned around and left. I walked down the stairs and got into my truck. I turned the engine on and drove my sorry ass home. I took a shower and never once looked at myself in the mirror. I
pretended that nothing changed. That I didn’t cause her pain, and that she
didn’t know the truth. That I didn’t see her sobbing and that she wasn’t even
bawling to begin with. That we were still just best friends, and that she was
my girl and I was her boy.
My Half-Pint and her Bo.
It was better than knowing…
I ruined us.
Best Selling Author M. Robinson loves to read. She favors anything that has angst,
romance, triangles, cheating, love, and of course sex! She has been reading
since the Babysitters Club and R.L. Stein.
She was born in New Jersey but was raised in Tampa Fl. She is currently pursuing
her Ph.D in psychology, with two years left.
She is married to an amazing man who she loves to pieces. They have two German
Shepherd mixes and a Tabby cat.



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Cover Reveal – Complicate Me by M. Robinson

COVER REVEAL
Complicate Me
The Good Ol’ Boys
Best Selling Author M.Robinson
Genre: Contemporary Romance
Release Date: September 14th
It was complicated, it was also just the beginning.
A decision.
A simple choice.
There is always that one moment in life where things could have been different. That one moment where you could have chosen a path that would lead you down a certain road.
A different life.
It was easier to pretend that we were still best friends, and that she was my girl and I was her boy.
Pretending was better than knowing the truth…
I. Ruined. Us.
I had her.
I lost her.
I love her.
All I did was complicate us.
I just couldn’t stay mad at him.
He made it absolutely impossible
for me not to laugh and he knew it, too. Which only made it worse. It was like
adding fuel to the fire, making it bigger and wider with each flare of
gasoline. When I saw that he didn’t turn down my street and kept riding in the
direction of our abandoned house, I smiled.
There was no helping that either.
The times that he chose to be
with me over the boys warmed my heart, especially when he preferred me to
surfing.
We parked our bikes behind the
house and ran up the stairs. Over the last few months we had turned it into our
own little paradise, bringing blankets and pillows to throw on the floor,
candles for when it got dark, and sometimes Lucas would even bring in wood from
outside to turn on the fireplace. We had magazines, board games, snacks and
water. Everything we needed was there.
I loved it.
He handed me a bottled water to
drink and then I passed it back to him so he could, too. I laid down on the
blankets and pillows and beheld the vaulted ceilings with a content sigh.
“Whatcha’ thinkin’ about over
there?” he questioned, sitting down facing me.
“How much I love this place.”
“Good.”
“I want to get married here.”
“What?” he chuckled.
“You heard me. I want to have my
engagement party here and I want to get married here. And then I want to buy
this house and raise a family here,” I firmly stated.
“Aren’t you a little young to
think about stuff like that?”
“No. I think about stuff like
that all the time.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Mmm hmm…”
“Who you marrying?”
I immediately held his amused
gaze. “What?” It was my turn to say.
“You heard me,” he replied,
throwing my own words back at me. “Who you marrying?”
“Oh…” I breathed out. “I don’t
know.”
He raised his eyebrow but didn’t
call me out on my lie. “Don’t you think that maybe you should experience things
first?”
“How do you know I haven’t?” I
provoked, wanting to wipe the smug look off his face.
“Because I know.”
“Whatever.” I looked away.
“You want to know how I know?”
I kept my stare on the tray
ceilings, swallowing the saliva that had pooled in my mouth, and hoping that it
would calm the fluttering feeling I had suddenly formed in my belly. I shrugged
because I couldn’t speak; it would giveaway how I felt.
“I know because I would remember
it, just like I remember our first experience. The same one that’s hanging
around your neck.”
My heart pounded with each word
that fell from his mouth.
“Do you want me to?”
“Do I want you to what?” I
replied, already knowing what he meant but needing to hear him say it.
“Do you want me to kiss you?” He
paused to let his words sink in. “Really kiss you?”
My mouth parted and my chest rose
and descended with each breath I took. I found myself nodding before I gave it
anymore thought, ignoring the voice in the back of my mind that screamed at me
that this was a bad idea. He bent forward and rested on his hands and knees,
his face, his lips, coming toward me and making me tightly shut my eyes.
Waiting.
A million thoughts went through
my head, but the moment I felt his lips on mine they were all gone in an
instant…

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Nothing else mattered at that
moment.

Best Selling Author M. Robinson loves to read. She favors anything that has angst, romance, triangles, cheating, love, and of course sex! She has been reading since the Babysitters Club and R.L. Stein. She was born in New Jersey but was raised in Tampa Fl. She is currently pursuing her Ph.D in psychology, with two years left. She is married to an amazing man who she loves to pieces. They have two German Shepherd mixes and a Tabby cat.

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