Tag Archives: writer

Late Night Musings #2

#‎latenightmusings‬

I was never taught to love myself. All the different parts of me that make me unique. I was never taught to be unapologetically flawed. Many days I’m not sure how I’ve made it this far… the self-hate was debilitating. Everyday I painted a smile on my face and got up to face another day. When all the while I was dying inside. Death was eating away at every part of me. I lived in fear constantly. Sleeping with knives under my pillow. Thinking tonight would be the night it all ended. Startled out of my sleep by the sound of shouting. I remember feeling as if my heart would beat out of my chest. I remember thinking someone may die tonight. I remember thinking why is it always me? Why am I the one putting myself in danger to make sure nothing permanent happens?

Why doesn’t anyone see the lies behind my smile? The violence just under the surface? Locking myself in my room didn’t help to quite the voices. Locking myself in my room didn’t make what was going on go away. When most people think of abuse they think of the physical but no one recognizes that sometimes the emotional abuse is a pill much harder to swallow. For years I hated my existence. I didn’t understand why my family life wasn’t perfect. I didn’t understand why it seemed like the walls were closing in on me. I grew up before I should have. Surprised a lot of the pain. The shame. The misery. The hate I have is still strong… it’s still pure. What happens when you don’t feel safe at home… the one place you should above all others? What happens when grown men try to force themselves on you and you feel you have nowhere but to turn? I was never taught to love myself so I went searching for it in all the wrong places. It’s hard to dispel the cycle. It’s hard to remove yourself from the continuous loop. It’s hard to break the silence. I should have left.

I stared death in the face a time or two and I’m surprised I’m still here. I was threatened in high school. Told I would be tossed out a two-story window… in the place I was supposed to feel safe. Loved. Protected. Instead I felt fear. Hopelessness. Rage. Why would you let your child endure such hardships? Why would you stay? Most importantly why the hell did I?

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So Many Changes

As I’ve finished yet another two classes on my way to my BA in Psychology I can’t help but feel excited. One class to go which starts May 5 and I am in there. Recently I also took a CLEP for Public Speaking so I could complete my military degree in Logistics so I also am now the proud owner of an AA degree as well! It feels good. So many changes, good ones, and I couldn’t be happier. As I transition from military to civilian life it seems all my little ducks are getting in a row. Received great news on the condo I’m buying, we are progressing along nicely with that, was accepted to one of the grad schools I applied for, and I’ve been getting job offers left and right so I am so grateful for that. It’s one less thing I will have to stress about since I will be moving to a new place and meeting new faces. My career as an author is going pretty well, I just published my second book April 15th and I’m working on the third. The story is still flowing and I’m grateful that it is. I hope that as I grow as an author my story reflects all that I’m learning. So as I get ready for my last full week in the United States Air Force and take a week break before I start my last class, I’ve declared this weekend a lazy one. May you all have a great weekend as I know I will by either curling up with a good book/s and watching movies and TV shows!

 

To close what do you think of my new logo for my Dark Indiscretions Series? It was designed by Amb Aija Monique.

Check out her stuff she is awesome 🙂

RED MOON TWO

I've been thinking…

I know, I know. What the hell is running through my brain now, right? Well publishers. That’s been running through my brain. Should I or shouldn’t I. We all know being an indie author and self pubbed can get a bit pricey. I’m not really worried about the cost. There are always work arounds for everything. I just want everyone to take the crazy twist filled journey of my series with me. Plus I think it would be a great opportunity. Only thing is I don’t want to be censored. What do I mean? Well I don’t want to write what I think is a kick ass book, only to be told nope. Redo it. Take it out. Fix it. Publishing myself I can write how I see it. I’m not confined to a box or someone else’s interests. But sometimes I think a few more doors would open up if I had of tried to at least submit my book to a publisher first. Maybe. Possibly. I don’t really know. I’m not an expert. I’m not going to school for this. This is just a random musing from my head. I’m 99% sure everything I write will be sled published but I still dream of maybe one day something I write will be picked up by a publisher and they will love it as it is. Until then I’m going to continue working on my Dark Indiscretions Series, my short story Rumspringa (which I need to make a page for 🙂 ), and this new idea I have that doesn’t have enough detail yet for me to talk about but as big as it is I plan to make it one huge stand alone novel. It’s going to be the biggest thing I’ve ever done and I’m scared, nervous, and excited. I can tell you that it’s called Sacrifice Broken and like anything I do it’s not the norm at all. I’m putting my own touch of flare on the supernatural creatures that we all love. It’s going to be on a whole new level of awesomeness all straight from my never turned off brain. I can’t wait until it fleshed out more and I can talk about it. I’m still building right now. It’s fun. This weekend I plan to redesign my blog so stay tune!!! Oh and don’t forget Dark Indiscretions is FREE today <3.

In the words of Indie Arie, " don't be offended this is all my opinion ain't nothing that I'm saying law."

I’ve been thinking…

I know, I know. What the hell is running through my brain now, right? Well publishers. That’s been running through my brain. Should I or shouldn’t I. We all know being an indie author and self pubbed can get a bit pricey. I’m not really worried about the cost. There are always work arounds for everything. I just want everyone to take the crazy twist filled journey of my series with me. Plus I think it would be a great opportunity. Only thing is I don’t want to be censored. What do I mean? Well I don’t want to write what I think is a kick ass book, only to be told nope. Redo it. Take it out. Fix it. Publishing myself I can write how I see it. I’m not confined to a box or someone else’s interests. But sometimes I think a few more doors would open up if I had of tried to at least submit my book to a publisher first. Maybe. Possibly. I don’t really know. I’m not an expert. I’m not going to school for this. This is just a random musing from my head. I’m 99% sure everything I write will be sled published but I still dream of maybe one day something I write will be picked up by a publisher and they will love it as it is. Until then I’m going to continue working on my Dark Indiscretions Series, my short story Rumspringa (which I need to make a page for 🙂 ), and this new idea I have that doesn’t have enough detail yet for me to talk about but as big as it is I plan to make it one huge stand alone novel. It’s going to be the biggest thing I’ve ever done and I’m scared, nervous, and excited. I can tell you that it’s called Sacrifice Broken and like anything I do it’s not the norm at all. I’m putting my own touch of flare on the supernatural creatures that we all love. It’s going to be on a whole new level of awesomeness all straight from my never turned off brain. I can’t wait until it fleshed out more and I can talk about it. I’m still building right now. It’s fun. This weekend I plan to redesign my blog so stay tune!!! Oh and don’t forget Dark Indiscretions is FREE today <3.

In the words of Indie Arie, " don't be offended this is all my opinion ain't nothing that I'm saying law."