Tag Archives: anxiety

Late Night Musings #1

#‎latenightmusings‬

If love were to stare me in the face tomorrow, I’m not sure I’d recognize it. I am broken in more ways then I can count. For years I’ve been searching for a love I’m no longer sure exists or is attainable. I want it all… The late night conversations, curling around one another like different parts of the same whole, and being so ingrained in each other’s hearts that they beat as one. A love strong enough to withstand the sands of time. Is that so much to ask for? Have I sinned to the point of becoming undeserving? I feel sorrow deep within me for things I’ve never really had but miss deeply.

I’ve always felt too deeply. I jump in with both feet and try to kick my way to the surface after but I am drowning. When I should be wallowing in the shallow end I’m neck deep in emotions… emotions I should have shielded myself from feeling. How can one love so deeply yet not understand the basic concept of the word? Jealousy stabs at my soul like a thousand needles. The tiny pinpricks consuming me and making me feel ashamed. I am damaged… sometimes I fear it is beyond repair. Man was not meant to walk this world alone. The one that balances the dark within you roams just as lost as you are without them.

Just once I’d like to feel… something. Anything. But then again feeling anything is what led me to this place of in between I currently reside in now. I just want to be held. Comforted in much the same way as a newborn babe… made to feel warm. Safe. Loved. What have I not learned yet that basic human companionship has been denied me for so long? In what ways have I been lacking? I have so much to give and yet I feel empty. My heart cries out for one that I cannot find… maybe will never find in time. I have tossed myself into the fire many times even though I always get burned. One would think my skin had become thick and impenetrable but still the claws of madness are able to get in.

It’s as if I’m always looking through the glass and my happy is just out of reach on the other side. What I wouldn’t give to touch it… even briefly. Real love is hard to find. The feeling of being lost inside another but yet separate. Sharing everything no matter what. What have I done? And how do I right the wrongs I’ve obviously committed?

Look Before You Leap…

Blog Post – Look Before You Leap

When it comes to matters of the heart there are an abundant of quotes…

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

-From Alfred Lord Tennyson’s poem In Memoriam:27, 1850

‘Tis absence, however, that makes the heart grow fonder.

-The contemporary version appears in The Pocket Magazine of Classic and Polite Literature, 1832, in a piece by a Miss Stickland

“If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.”

-Khalil Gibran

These are just a few used when dealing with the heart and love. I say all that to say this…

Love can make people do unusual and unexpected things. It can make you reject all that you’ve ever known and change the person you’ve always been. It can be an unhealthy obsession or the best thing that ever happens in your life. I believe everyone has a soul-mate. I believe the mythology of the Greeks about soul-mates to be the closest explanation of how I also feel about the word.

It is said that humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them.

-Plato on soul mates

Again I said all that to say this…I believe in Soul-Mates…I believe in giving my all in a relationship and not holding back because until I prove otherwise the person that I’m vibing with could be the missing half of my soul. Here is my problem, I believe in love so much that I put my whole heart into my relationships. Even when those relationships don’t work out, when the next one comes along I’m just as open, caring, and giving. I don’t look before I leap. Why do I do this? I could tell you a number of reasons like blaming horoscopes (I’m a Scorpio), loneliness, or a number of other reasons. What I do know is that I give 110% in my relationships and I’ve tried everything imaginable to make sure they work. I hear stories of couples being together from their first date even after sleeping together, high school sweethearts, blind dates, you name it I’ve probably heard the love story. Am I bitter? Maybe, no one wants to be alone and if they say they do I think they aren’t being honest with themselves. Now am I saying settle for the first thing that comes along and shows you attention? No. You have standards, don’t lower them. There is someone (soulmate) who will not only meet them but surpass them.

I was married for 3 months because I leaped before I looked. Even when I knew in my heart that it wasn’t meant to be, I let what I believed should be happening to cloud my good judgment. My common sense. I listen to sappy love songs and I find myself waking up in the middle of the night with tears stained on my pillow. I give myself pep talks about finding love when I least expect it and I hate it. I absolutely hate it. When I do meet someone and I think we click, everything is going well, and then BAM! things change. I start to feel like I’m not good enough. The texts go from every morning, night, and hour in between, to I feel like I’m a stalker vying for the attention that I should have. It’s like a complete 180 and it in turn only makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. I start to question not only myself but my sanity. What am I doing wrong? Like I said I hear all the love at first site and we had sex on the first date and now we’ve been together 5, 10, 15, 20+ years and the only thing I can think in response is, Mm…anytime I’ve had sex on the first day I didn’t get a phone call the next day. Doesn’t matter if we had been texting weeks prior to said first date. Again I ask, what am I doing wrong?

Recently I’ve met a super cool guy. We talked for weekends through the phone before we even had our first day. Then we had a second dinner date, and spend the 4th together for our third and now I’m beginning to let past heartbreak confuse and bewilder me. If I don’t get a text back right away I’m nervous. I start to second guess myself…am I texting too much, is this the same amount of texts I was sending before, is he bored of me already? Yes I’m a head case and neurotic. I can’t help it…I have anxiety and it seems to skyrocket when beginning a new relationship (is it even a relationship, does 3 dates a relationship make). So are there really soul-mates and if so where the hell is mine?