I was never taught to love myself. All the different parts of me that make me unique. I was never taught to be unapologetically flawed. Many days I’m not sure how I’ve made it this far… the self-hate was debilitating. Everyday I painted a smile on my face and got up to face another day. When all the while I was dying inside. Death was eating away at every part of me. I lived in fear constantly. Sleeping with knives under my pillow. Thinking tonight would be the night it all ended. Startled out of my sleep by the sound of shouting. I remember feeling as if my heart would beat out of my chest. I remember thinking someone may die tonight. I remember thinking why is it always me? Why am I the one putting myself in danger to make sure nothing permanent happens?
Why doesn’t anyone see the lies behind my smile? The violence just under the surface? Locking myself in my room didn’t help to quite the voices. Locking myself in my room didn’t make what was going on go away. When most people think of abuse they think of the physical but no one recognizes that sometimes the emotional abuse is a pill much harder to swallow. For years I hated my existence. I didn’t understand why my family life wasn’t perfect. I didn’t understand why it seemed like the walls were closing in on me. I grew up before I should have. Surprised a lot of the pain. The shame. The misery. The hate I have is still strong… it’s still pure. What happens when you don’t feel safe at home… the one place you should above all others? What happens when grown men try to force themselves on you and you feel you have nowhere but to turn? I was never taught to love myself so I went searching for it in all the wrong places. It’s hard to dispel the cycle. It’s hard to remove yourself from the continuous loop. It’s hard to break the silence. I should have left.
I stared death in the face a time or two and I’m surprised I’m still here. I was threatened in high school. Told I would be tossed out a two-story window… in the place I was supposed to feel safe. Loved. Protected. Instead I felt fear. Hopelessness. Rage. Why would you let your child endure such hardships? Why would you stay? Most importantly why the hell did I?
If love were to stare me in the face tomorrow, I’m not sure I’d recognize it. I am broken in more ways then I can count. For years I’ve been searching for a love I’m no longer sure exists or is attainable. I want it all… The late night conversations, curling around one another like different parts of the same whole, and being so ingrained in each other’s hearts that they beat as one. A love strong enough to withstand the sands of time. Is that so much to ask for? Have I sinned to the point of becoming undeserving? I feel sorrow deep within me for things I’ve never really had but miss deeply.
I’ve always felt too deeply. I jump in with both feet and try to kick my way to the surface after but I am drowning. When I should be wallowing in the shallow end I’m neck deep in emotions… emotions I should have shielded myself from feeling. How can one love so deeply yet not understand the basic concept of the word? Jealousy stabs at my soul like a thousand needles. The tiny pinpricks consuming me and making me feel ashamed. I am damaged… sometimes I fear it is beyond repair. Man was not meant to walk this world alone. The one that balances the dark within you roams just as lost as you are without them.
Just once I’d like to feel… something. Anything. But then again feeling anything is what led me to this place of in between I currently reside in now. I just want to be held. Comforted in much the same way as a newborn babe… made to feel warm. Safe. Loved. What have I not learned yet that basic human companionship has been denied me for so long? In what ways have I been lacking? I have so much to give and yet I feel empty. My heart cries out for one that I cannot find… maybe will never find in time. I have tossed myself into the fire many times even though I always get burned. One would think my skin had become thick and impenetrable but still the claws of madness are able to get in.
It’s as if I’m always looking through the glass and my happy is just out of reach on the other side. What I wouldn’t give to touch it… even briefly. Real love is hard to find. The feeling of being lost inside another but yet separate. Sharing everything no matter what. What have I done? And how do I right the wrongs I’ve obviously committed?
So the turmoil I’ve been feeling I’ve channeled it somewhat…fans of And So She Waited I present to you this beautiful disaster…please feel free to share and download the PDF file…it’s a prelude short before the events of And So She Waited…just little inner monologues from some of the characters…an inner working if you will…thanks to my baby mama (Lark from Wycked Ink) for the hauntingly perfectly beautiful cover…BITTER RAPTURE!
DISCLAIMER: This is just a little something I did to clear my head…it probably has a few (a lot!) of mistakes but it was just something I wrote and wanted to share with you off the cuff on my blog…If you enjoyed this Bitter Rapture teaser and want to find out what happens to Raven, Remy, and Matthew in And So She Waited (it’s edited I promise!) you can find the links at the end of the short!
Click here to download Bitter Rapture
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It’s been a long fall semester but I managed to escape unscathed. Now it’s time to get back to the writing part of my life. I have so many book projects I want to work on but have no idea where to start…here is a quick list of what I have planned for 2015…this is subject to change though…
We All Fall Down
Looking for Love
Phoenix Awakening Prequel
I will also be releasing the first 3 Dark Indiscretions books in a box set and it will have special content and an extended exclusive look at Seer Destined as you patiently wait for it to be released which hopefully will be before my March signings 🙂
Here is the cover I’ve come up with for it…
Well as I sit here and enjoy the last day of being in my 20s I look back on my life and think to myself, what have I done in the last almost 30 years of my life?
So many things…
I gave 8 years of my life to the USAF
I published a few stories
I’ve been overseas a few times
I got to go to the Louvre
Meet a lot of cool people
Went to a few book signings (some as fans and some as an author myself)
I lost my mom
I got two degrees (an AA in Logistics and a BA in Psychology)
Starting working on my Master’s
And so many more things I could probably say. My life has been good and bad, happy and sad, and I don’t think I would change a bit about it. Everything I’ve seen and done has made me into the person that I am today. Who knows what may have happened if some of the choices I made may have been different. All I can do is hope for another 30 or so years after this. Everyday is precious and all I can do is take things one day at a time and keep trying to do better tomorrow than I do today…
Whelp NaNoMoWri starts tomorrow and I think this pantser is about ready to start…I have a little bit of the first chapter of the project I’m starting done and I have a Scrivener document with a bunch of notes and what not rearing and ready to go…this is my first one and I’m excited and nervous at the same time. Add in the fact that I’ve not written anything in about a month so we will see how this goes…my novel is called Phoenix Awakening and my nano name is b3arcat26 if anyone wants to add me as a writing buddy…
So who else is writing a novel in November? Any ideas or suggestions?
And lastly Happy Halloween people! It’s my favorite time of year 🙂
Since my first book was published I threw myself into this whole ‘author’ thing full force. I was a writing machine. The plot bunnies were hopping around like crazy and everything was all good. Then the weight of everything came crashing down and the outlet I used to love turned into so much work and stress. It became a whirlwind of marketing, promotions, teasers, release parties, and blog tours to name a few things. I lost what was important in my writing which is: LOVE. I loved writing and now it’s like pulling teeth to write the stories that used to flow so freely in my mind. I can’t connect the dots anymore. It’s a sad day and I’ve decided to take a break from my current momentum of writing. I’ve gotten an idea for a Dark Romance Suspense/Thriller that I’m excited about and I’m running with it for fun. I’m taking my time and don’t expect it to be done until next winter. I have to get my mojo back and the only way I can do that is to distance myself from a lot of things I was doing. No more blog tours, major promo, or parties. I have my pages that I will post info on about my books, my blog, and my website so if you want updates on any of my info make sure you are following my blog, website, and Facebook pages 🙂
Facebook: www.facebook.com/shakuitajohnson and www.facebook.com/LookingForLoveARedMoonKillerNovel
Until the next post….
So I started a short story for an anthology that I will be a part of coming out in December. I went in all extra excited BUT as stories tend to do, it took on a life of it’s own. Seriously!! There was a 10K word limit and I have to FIGHT to keep it close…It ended up being about 10700 when all was said and done and that’s before edits…
Now I’m sure you’re saying to yourself “who the hell cares” and you would 9 times out of 10 be right but I’m venting of a second. Short stories are the damn DEVIL….especially when you find yourself with an idea that decides to get bigger and bigger and now you are leaving out so much detail that you end up hating yourself and resenting your story. By the time I was done with it I didn’t even want to look at it…in fact I just sent it to my editor without even reading through it first which is sooo not like me. I at least try to read through it once to catch little things and maybe add or delete here and there but with this story I was so disgusted with myself and that I couldn’t take it where I wanted it to go that I was like I’M DONE!!!
Now there is a plus to this sad rant that I’m having…I know I will be expanding the short into a FULL LENGTH to release shortly (2-4 months) after the anthology because I want to give my readers the best of my work. Plus I really liked the idea and I really want to spend more time with the characters then I was able to. I think it may even be a big enough word to be two or three books. That’s how far out of left field this story idea came. Until I do that I won’t be 100% happy with the product I’m putting out BUT I know longer want to print it out just so I can ripe it up either 🙂